Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
