the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize