tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize