I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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