I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
