roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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