I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
