I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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