PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
