god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
