If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
