So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
