I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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