there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize