I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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