I wish life had little blips of pornography
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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