I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
