singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize