I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
