im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
