I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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