But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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