You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
