Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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