Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
