How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
