How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
