We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
