when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
