Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
