uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
