dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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