It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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