I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
