Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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