my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
