At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
