what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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