If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
