But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
