Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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