When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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