Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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