I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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