I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
