I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize