somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
