So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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