Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My pussy is not your playground.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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