Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
