We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
