he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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