my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
