Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I did not marry a roomba.
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