So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize