I will die if light touches me.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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