U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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