So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize