You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's always time for handjobs
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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