My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
