I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize