dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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