he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
