Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
