i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
