I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
