Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
