She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
