Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
