You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
