Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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