I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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