I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
