I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
