Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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