i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
